Self-Talk: Don't Loose an Unfair Argument with Yourself
Self-talk can be a positive affirmation, encouragement, even self-correction in response to mistakes. All these functions of self-talk result in positive benefits for yourself.
However, self-talk can also be "self-defeating." Here are two kinds of self-talk errors:
- Expectation Convolutions
- Muddled or Magical Thinking
When you engage yourself in conversation (or debate) and sink into these self-talk errors, you always loose.
Expectation Convolutions
These are "on the face, friendly and helpful" but at the heart "cruel and devious" friends.
These communication patterns pretend to assist with kindness, but in the end, kick us where we hurt most.
Here are some examples of detrimental self-talk patterns:
- I should, I should have…
- What if
- If only I had…
- I have to…
- I can't…, I can't because…
- It's too hard, It's too hard to…
- Yes, but
Substitute these self-talk errors with the following:
- I can
- I will
- I'll discover
- I'll learn
- I'll master
Muddled or Magical Thinking
Examples of muddles or magical thinking (unrealistic, less than useful)
- Mind Reading -- Thinking that you know what others are thinking
- Tunnel Vision -- Focusing so narrowly on one thing that reality seems to compress, excluding other (often conflicting) information
- Black and White Thinking -- Situations that are important are seldom that simple
- Name Calling, Labeling -- Naming something provides a false sense of mastery and false sense of knowing. Worse, when we label people (especially students) with negative words, we loose our ability to server them or to negotiate with them
- Self-Put-Downs -- False humility serves no one
- Whining, Complaining -- Act, do something about the situation, but quit griping
Positive, Friendly, Helpful Self-Talk
You deserve the kindest, gentlest, most supportive self-talk that you can devise for yourself.
One rule might be to talk to yourself only as if you were a student, and a principal or superintendent was observing your class…and you wanted to impress them with your "student-centered" attitude.
Improving your self-talk in the area of being nice to yourself is relatively easy once you decide that you are worth the effort of taking care of yourself.
"Back to Reality" Thinking
Clear thinking, e.g., replacing muddled or magical thinking with reality-based thoughts is more arduous a task than just being nice to yourself.
How do you Loose a Debate with Yourself?
The loss of a self-talk debate is not the "winning side -loosing side" of the ideas that you present. Rather it is the loss you suffer if you treat yourself badly, or the loss you suffer if you react to people or situation is ways that are less than useful (or even self-defeating) because your thinking is wrong.
Arguments with yourself are unfair if you fail to respect and value yourself.
Arguments (with yourself) that place unrealistic or unreasonable demands upon yourself result in a loss of self-esteem.
Arguments with yourself that drift into muddled or magical thought become mired by the less than optimum solutions that you develop. How can the solution be clean if the thoughts behind the decision are clouded and obscured? In this case, you may choose the right course (choice, option) but for erroneous reasons.
But, even in choosing the right option for the wrong reason, you loose; because you didn't learn from the opportunity.
Remember that the self that you talk to with your self-talk is every bit as deserving of your love, caring and respect as each of the students that you are privileged to serve. Treat yourself nicely with kind words.
